The Last Evil Overlord List You Will Ever Need

It has come to my attention that there are several lists advising prospective Evil Overlords on what/what not to do (here, here and here being good examples). All of these lists bear a suspicious resemblance to one another.

Being magnanimous as well as pitiless, I thought I myself would write write down a concise, thoroughly original list on what to do to become a successful Evil Overlord:

1. Do whatever Gar the Pitiless says I should do.
2. Do not do anything Gar the Pitiless says I should not do.

How simple I make things for you, and how little you appreciate it.

Preface

If my estimates are correct (and of course they are; I'm never wrong about such things), the Armies of Light will be breaking through my 'final' defenses in about two months, nine days and fourteen hours. As every conceivable preparation was made for this ultimate conflict months ago, I find myself with a deal of time on my hands. Not one to be idle, I thought I would avail myself of the opportunity to set down some of the precepts that any Evil Overlord should know, be it when they first start out or when they are rather further along on their path to domination.

At first I considered entitling this work Memoirs of an Evil Overlord, but really that's rather staid, uninteresting and inaccurate to boot. Plus it smacks of a defeatist attitude, as if my meddling in the affairs of the world is past. Which of course is far from the case.

Then I entertained the idea of calling it Confessions of an Evil Overlord, which has a much more naughty feel to it, and is sure to pique the prurient interests of a wider audience than boring old Memoirs. But ultimately I decided that accuracy was what I was truly aiming for. Thus the final title.

You see, there comes a time in every great man's life when he wishes to share his knowledge with future generations. Which is why, once I smash the Armies of Light in approximately two months, nine days and fourteen and one-half hours, I will institute a compulsory literacy program throughout the land, then make this work of practical genius required reading for all my thralls, failure to comply resulting in beheading.

Now some might ask, "Aren't you worried about competition?" The answer of course being no. Any Evil Overlord worthy of the title welcomes the opportunity to prove his superiority over upstart pretenders. Have at it. Come against me and I will crush you, for while I will have taught you everything you know, rest assured I will not have taught you everything I know.

Have a great day,

Gar the Pitiless