Good and Evil: It's all relative

The world needs Evil Overlords far more than it needs heroes.

Now I don't expect most readers to accept this fact right off the bat, but over the course of this work, the above truth will, I am certain, impress itself upon you, much like a thin sliver of wood being forced under a fingernail. You may not like it. You may well shriek and beg to have it removed. But you really won't be able to deny it.

First things first, though: Let's just get the whole morality, justice, good and evil rigamarole out of the way right at the beginning, shall we? It needs to be dealt with early, because the 'Evil' in 'Evil Overlord' has some fairly negative connotations. By the end of this section, you will see why that shouldn't bother you overmuch. I'll make it as brief as possible, since I consider the issue deadly dull.* I'll also make it easy-peasy for all the slow learners out there. No need to thank me. That's why they call it a thankless task, after all.

Look, it's quite simple really. Most people would claim that they know right from wrong, good from evil. In reality they know nothing of the sort. I'll prove it with a simple multiple choice question:

Theft is:

a) wrong
b) right
c) I don't know

The correct answer for you is c) of course, as I haven't told you what to think yet. Now let's go through the wrong answers, shall we?

Answer a) is incorrect. Consider the following: A penniless man steals a loaf of bread from a miser to feed his starving children or aged, infirm grandparents. Or, why not, his starving children and his aged, infirm grandparents, after having exhausted all honest means to secure sustenance for the useless, er, helpless relatives. In fact, the rich miser who was stolen from was actually the cause of the man's penniless state, in some wholly legal but utterly reprehensible fashion. And all this after the man had saved the miser's life at great personal risk.

Would you still say that his stealing the loaf of bread was wrong? If so, Evil Overlording isn't really for you (inflexibilty in thinking, unfortunately, is a deal-breaker). You should however consider a career in an allied profession, perhaps banking or insurance work.

Now if you answered b) you should know two things. First, your dedication to criminality does you credit. Second, you're an idiot. The best you can ever hope for is a low-level position in a second-rate criminal organization, where you will prosper until the inevitable day when you try to double-cross your boss on a big score and end up as part of the foundation of a municipal building or the main ingredient in meat pies. I mean, really. I'm surprised you were able to read the question, let alone answer it. You're a hopeless dolt.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The answer is, as I said, c). Not just because I say so, but because you simply weren't given enough information. (An Evil Overlord must never allow someone else to set the boundaries of anything, be they tests or socially acceptable behaviour or sovereign nations.) Here, you didn't have enough information to make a coherent decision, which is the problem with most people and their pathetic attempts at moral judgments. They assume. They make knee-jerk decisions, and they are generally wrong.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying morality is relative. The tired little trick I played with that question can be applied to virtually every crime/sin imaginable. Murder? Check. Cannibalism? Check. Evil Overlordship? Double check with stars and hearts in multi-coloured ink.

Think of it this way: A person intelligent, capable and powerful enough to seize power from an established power is, ipso facto, more deserving of said power.

Allright, now I can sense some of you struggling to think about that last statement. Please don't. You'll only sprain something. Just take my word for it at this stage. I'm the Evil Overlord. You're just an aspiring faceless cog. I know what I'm talking about, whereas you probably struggle to turn food into poop.**

Evil Overlord's Daily Affirmation: Good and Evil are whatever I say.

* For those of you who wish to delve into an in-depth analysis and discussion of morality, ethics and the like, too bad. This is, as the subtitle states, a practical guide to ultimate power, not '101 Ways To Soulfully Gaze Into Your Navel, You Snivelling Twit'.

** Try a little fibre.